


Untitled

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adolescence, Anxiety, Depression, Dysphoria, Gen, Gender Identity, Identity, POV Third Person, Puberty, Sexuality, Suicide, Teenagers, mature themes, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 02:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19454755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Having been a human being on this earth for a long time, people come to expect a lot. From certainty to uncertainty, there is always the fact that identity is stable. Identity shapes reality. Who you are defines how people feel about you, what they think, how they react, how you react, the job you get when you're older and the friends you have.Identity shapes reality.Being certain of your identity is the first step to confidence, and also the first step to ignorance. Nothing is certain, and nothing is fixed, identity can change through simple things, like how you talk to adults versus how you talk to children. How children view you is different from how adults view you, and how you view yourself cannot change that.





	Untitled

Having been a human being on this earth for a long time, people come to expect a lot. From certainty to uncertainty, there is always the fact that identity is stable. Identity shapes reality. Who you are defines how people feel about you, what they think, how they react, how you react, the job you get when you're older and the friends you have.

Identity shapes reality.

Being certain of your identity is the first step to confidence, and also the first step to ignorance. Nothing is certain, and nothing is fixed, identity can change through simple things, like how you talk to adults versus how you talk to children. How children view you is different from how adults view you, and how you view yourself cannot change that.

Identity can change through social media, the way you present yourself. The way you exaggerate issues, whether you're aware of it or not. The way you make yourself seem more likeable, more trustworthy, more friendly, more... different. The person you are on the internet is not the person you are in real life, and a pseudonym can just as easily become a mask as it can a character, with their own flaws and backstory and looks.

The character you are on the internet is not you.

The character you are on the internet is self-titled. Self-made. Self-perfected. Being certain of your identity through certainty of your character is not knowing yourself. It's believing a lie, whether you know it or not.

Being self-titled isn't easy, and knowing who you are is difficult. Knowing someone on the internet is not knowing someone, the same way as knowing someone in real life is not knowing someone, knowing who someone is fundamentally is impossible, as nothing is certain and nothing is fixed. Shaping your identity with a few keystrokes and a description is latching onto something that isn't real and is immaterial, and hiding behind a persona is suffocating.

Nothing is certain, and nothing is fixed.

You can change your future with a few keystrokes and a smile.

Putting on a mask is not something that is learned, it is something natural. We are the way we are seen, and the way we are seen is the how the future is changed. The way we are seen determines the way we are greeted, talked to and liked. We change to suit expectations.

Being certain of your identity is the first step to confidence.

However confidence isn't something that Katie has in abundance, in fact, it's something that she lacks. Being yourself isn't as easy as it seems and being Katie seems to be even harder, and sometimes she wished she could not be Katie Hopkins of clan Hopkins and instead be Georgie Thompson of clan Instagram. Being self-titled is easier than being yourself.

On Instagram Katie Hopkins becomes Georgie Thompson, the fun, likeable, friendly girl that everyone likes and no one has a problem with. On Instagram, Katie Hopkins can destroy people's expectations and be who she wants to be. Expect, she doesn't. Because she can't destroy people's expectations of Katie Hopkins when she's Georgie Thompson. Because no one knows that Georgie Thompson and Katie Hopkins are the same person. And no one can know.

Being self-titled isn't easy.

But being yourself is harder. And Katie should know. She knows that no one likes her for who she is. And she knows that her family definitely don't know the real her. Katie is surrounded by people every day, and she's so lonely. Because being yourself is harder than being self-titled, and being fifteen isn't easy either.

Katie isn't who she says she is.

She's lying to them. She's lying to everyone. The Katie Hopkins her friends at school see isn't the Katie Hopkins her mom and dad see. And the Katie Hopkins that sometimes doesn't talk to anyone other than her maybe-best-friend, and even then not always, is so lonely.

Talking to people is hard.

Recognising how people feel about you is harder. Katie Hopkins of class 11F is who her form teacher, Mr McFarrell, sees her as. A straight 'A' student who's smarter than any of the popular girls in the class. The vice prefect. The girl who's arrogant but tries to be humble. Katie Hopkins of class 11F is nice. She's also a self absorbed asshole who doesn't care that her best friend might be failing and is only worried about that one 'B' she once got in a maths assessment three months ago. Katie Hopkins of class 11F is an asshole.

Katie Hopkins of class 11F is not Georgie Thompson of Instagram, the self-titled. Katie Hopkins of class 11F is the self-hated.

Katie Hopkins hates herself, and would never be her own friend.

Georgie Thompson would never be Katie Hopkins' friend, because asshole nerds just don't cut it.

Social situations are hard.

Katie has friends. Who doesn't. They all live far away and sometimes it seems like they've got it all figured out. Katie Hopkins has a friend who's transgender, and he's got it all figured out. He knows who he is and he's went through all the dysphoria only to come out stronger. AJ Johnson goes to an all-girls school, and he's still going through dysphoria. But at least AJ Johnson is still AJ Johnson wherever he goes, and he knows who he is.

Dysphoria isn't just about gender.

Katie Hopkins doesn't know if she's a girl or a boy, or neither. Katie doesn't know if it even matters. Katie Hopkins doesn't know if she likes girls or boys or both or neither. Georgie Thompson likes boys. Katie is confused.

When Katie goes to school, she has friends. And she presents herself as one of them. She's a cool nerd who is funny and sarcastic and a bit of an asshole, but will do anything for you and is loyal to the core, and she laughs at jokes and she knows when to stop. She is Katie Hopkins, the self-made. Katie Hopkins doesn't really understand jokes, and she doesn't really know when to stop. Katie Hopkins isn't self-made, and she's scared, because she doesn't understand why other people don't want to talk to her sometimes, she doesn't understand why people leave her alone all the time.

Katie Hopkins cries more than she'd like to admit.

There's more to life than social interactions, and there's more to life than friendships doomed to fail. Katie Hopkins might not understand people, and she might be lonely even when sitting with her family, or with friends, but she does understand music. Katie Hopkins began playing piano when she was seven, and then became the one who can play piano. But they can't take piano away from her because music makes sense and singing makes sense and even when people don't, music can be relied upon because it's certain, and it's fixed.

Even with music to rely upon, the world still closes in.

Katie can't write much in her CV. Name, date of birth, address, grades, skills. She doesn't know what to write. Employers look for employability skills, and things that show she can work in a team. Katie can only write, "Team Leader in a Careers group work exercise," people aren't important to Katie though. Not really.

She doesn't want to admit she is lying to herself.

When Katie was fourteen she went to the school counsellor because she wanted to kill herself. She didn't tell the school counsellor the truth and instead spoke about the overwhelming loneliness and the lack of friends.

When Katie was fifteen she went to her year head because she wanted to kill herself. She told him all about the feelings of pain and sadness and loneliness. Christmas is always awful, but Summer is worse.

(Katie Hopkins is an attention seeking brat that should know her place.)

Georgie Thompson may be self-titled, but she isn't Katie Hopkins. AJ Johnson is self-titled, but AJ Johnson is real, and Annie Johnson is dead. Katie Hopkins may want to die, but she's still alive.

Katie doesn't want to admit that she hates being alone.

Alone doesn't mean being physically alone, alone means being ignored, lonely and sad. Alone means making awful jokes and annoying everyone around you. Alone means, "Please don't leave I promise I'll do better." Alone means being surrounded by people, knowing they don't actually care about you.

Katie is alone.

And Katie can't deal with being alone, because Katie is an asshole, an attention seeking, good for nothing, self righteous little prick. Katie is a smart ass because she's alone, Georgie Thompson may not be alone, because she has her own friends, but maybe Georgie Thompson is alone, because Katie and Georgie may not be the same person, but they are the same person.

Being self-titled means being who you want to be, but who you want to be may not always be real.

\-----

When Kelly Grant sees Katie Hopkins, she thinks, "I'll never be as smart as Katie, she's a genius," and moves on with her life, feeling inadequate and worthless.

When Katie Hopkins thinks about the expectation of amazing grades that's put on her, she knows that she's been mal-titled. She isn't a genius, and she knows that. She knows that she's stupid. Good grades don't mean intelligence, and it's especially true for an idiot like Katie.

When faced with Katie's worries about a bad grade in English, Haley Williams jokes, "You? A bad grade in English? Yeah, right," and moves on with her life, forgetting all about the incident.

When Katie Hopkins thinks about the carelessness about her anxiety, she knows that she deserves it. She hasn't ever gotten a bad grade per say, but they haven't all been amazing, and she thought she had a right to worry.

Katie Hopkins is always anxious. She knows she's got no reason for anxiety, but it's an underlying current of stress so constant that she thought she wasn't worried for her first ever exams because of how little her anxiety levels changed from the norm.

Katie Hopkins is an anxiety-ridden depressed, suicidal bitch who thinks about cutting her wrists at three a.m. like the stereotypical suicidal tumblr kids who advise themselves not to commit suicide while dripping blood onto the floor and tying a noose around their necks.

When the "Popular Girls" first see Katie Hopkins, they already know that she'll never be one of them. Or maybe that's what Katie Hopkins thinks.

Katie Hopkins is selfish and horrible and she can't empathise with them. She doesn't think of others' emotions because others' don't think of her.

The "Popular Girls" aren't popular, because speaking to anyone in the school, most people don't like them. Being popular means displaying a fake persona around school while going to therapy at the weekends. And isn't that exactly what Katie does?

Katie Hopkins hasn't seen her maybe-best-friend in a month.

And that's fine. She's fine with it. Other people can go through worse isolation and still have a will to live.

Dysphoria isn't always about gender.

Katie Hopkins should know that. She doesn't feel comfortable in her own skin.

Katie Hopkins is lying to herself about who she is and she doesn't want to stop because admitting you were wrong is worse than admitting the truth.

\-----

When AJ Johnson first sees Katie Hopkins he's still Annie Johnson. Except he isn't. He's always been AJ, but he was Annie once. But the lines blur, and he may not be Annie Johnson, and he may have never been Annie Johnson.

When AJ Johnson first sees Katie Hopkins he thinks that maybe she's a bit too intense. Living and breathing fandom, an annoying ball of suffocating energy that wraps you up and hugs you tight and says "Everything is going to be okay, you're home now."

AJ Johnson comes to realise that Katie Hopkins is accepting but confused, fleeting but loyal, dependable but never there.

Katie Hopkins doesn't hang out with anyone, and she seems to leave friends behind her like a trail of dead bodies following a murderer. Katie Hopkins will abandon her friends to sit with somebody else, only to abandon them.

But she knows that they aren't her friends, and that's alright.

She's fine with being lonely.

AJ Johnson may see Katie Hopkins as fandom, but she represent the worst parts. She's never been part of a fandom, because she can't concentrate long enough to establish herself. She's never had internet friends because why would anyone like her, a mere drop in the ocean.

People may talk about meeting friends through fandom, but Katie has never connected to these people, and real life conversation is stilted enough without adding conversation through the internet into the mix.

AJ Johnson likes Katie because she likes the same things as him, even though that may not be the case, because Katie absorbs knowledge like a sponge she loves fast and hard, and with all her heart, obsession getting the best of her.

She loves fictional characters with the same intensity she hates herself. Fleetingly and ferociously. She hates herself with a passion, hard and effective for maybe two months before cooling off. The same intensity is applied to her characters.

Her beloved characters, and they're all what Katie would classify as phases. She doesn't love for long, but she'll always care for them, even when they're long gone, and their golden days are through.

\-----

Katie Hopkins got her results today. An astounding two B's in subjects she doesn't care about and three A+'s in subjects she doesn't care about.

The rest were A's.

She knows that it's time to acknowledge that maybe Haley Williams was right, and she won't get a "bad" grade in English, no matter how badly she thinks she does. But good grades don't matter, and Katie only cares about them because if she doesn't get good grades then she would panic about her future and going to university and getting a career way too much.

Katie Hopkins knows that her anxiety isn't rational. She also knows that her maybe-best-friend does deserve to have her as a friend. No one does. Because Katie Hopkins regurgitates her issues over everyone she meets and can't have a conversation without talking about how hard her life is, how sad and lonely she is.

(Katie Hopkins is an attention seeking brat who doesn't care about other people.)

Katie is selfish.

Normal people don't bombard friends with their (invalid) feelings and emotions. Katie Hopkins is not Normal. Katie Hopkins can't display her own personality because why be yourself when you can have people like you?

Except people don't like her. But that's okay, because she doesn't like herself.

Maybe if she was Georgie Thompson in real life, people would actually like her.

("Unlikely," whispers the voice in her head.)

\-----

When life gets hard, people expect you to either grin and bear it, or talk to someone. The first is an ill-advised attempt at independence and at being "strong" (Or a feature of toxic masculinity.) The second is regarded as an excuse for not getting work done or being lacklustre in general.

When Mrs Hopkins sends pictures to Katie Hopkins or narrates her a story, then she expects her to laugh or engage in conversation. When life gets hard for Katie, she (finally) shuts up, and Mrs Hopkins' attempts at talking to her are frequently met either with silence, an noncommittal grunt or a pathetic attempt at conversation.

Katie isn't good at conversation.

This is especially evident at parties and social gatherings or large groups of people. Katie sort of drifts to the back, forgotten and alone. She doesn't really want to talk to these people, but she needs human interaction, and crowds make her pathetic introverted self shrivel up and die a horrible death, she can't make conversation.

But she can talk to people. She isn't scared of performing or speeches like her maybe-best-friend, who has actual anxiety and has a reason, or like people in her class who shy away from getting up and talking. Talking isn't the issue. Interaction is.

Katie Hopkins can't interact.

She can't tell people's emotions and thoughts and social cues or anything. She can't talk to people because people don't make sense.

People change to suit their surroundings and Katie Hopkins takes that to an extreme level.

Identity shapes reality for people, how they present themselves decides what they do or where they go or who they talk to. Katie Hopkins has no identity, and she has no real friends.

Katie Hopkins is viewed in loneliness and cloaked in sadness.

Katie Hopkins is dressed in masks and naked with anxiety.

Katie Hopkins isn't normal. She ruins people's day by just existing, and she knows that. She doesn't know if she's attracted to boys or girls or both or neither.

Katie Hopkins is a virgin. Katie Hopkins has never kissed a girl or a boy or anyone, really.

Katie Hopkins tries to do what people do, but she fails. Masking your identity isn't natural, or it shouldn't be. People want to please everyone, but covered in masks, they get lost in the process.

\-----

Having been a human being on this earth for a long time, people come to expect a lot. From certainty to uncertainty, there is always the fact that identity is stable. Identity shapes reality. Who you are defines how people feel about you, what they think, how they react, how you react, the job you get when you're older and the friends you have.

Identity shapes reality.

On the sixteenth of August, Katie Hopkins killed herself.

Winter is bad, but summer is worse.

Identity shapes reality.

Maybe if Katie Hopkins wasn't Katie Hopkins, she wouldn't have, or maybe if she wasn't Georgie Thompson. Or if she didn't present herself that way.

And, maybe, in the end, it didn't matter whether Katie Hopkins was self-titled or mal-titled. She's gone now, and she'll be forgotten, coincidentally, her greatest fear. She's an unknown now, she's the untitled.

But, it doesn't really matter, and, the fact is, she may be lost to time, but never lost to friends and family, and she may never achieve her dreams, but no one is remembered forever, and everyone will eventually be forgotten.

And maybe that's the beauty of it all.

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone mentioned is an original character.
> 
> Based off personal experience.
> 
> Katie Hopkins displays symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), depression and anxiety. Katie's symptoms of ASD are shown through her inability to read others' emotions, social cues and her use of different personas. Her depression is very subtle and is shown to have been often overlooked even by friends, as just "having a bad day" or "just being quiet", this shows how all the writers', especially on the internet, tropes of a very pronounced depression can be wrong, and how a quiet and low-lying depression can also lead to disastrous consequences. 
> 
> Katie only shows symptoms of anxiety, and though this is intentional, it also mirrors my experiences with anxiety, and displays the fact that not all anxiety comes from crowds and talking in front of people, or typical stereotypes of anxiety.
> 
> Katie's experiences with depression and suicidal thoughts vaguely mirror my own, though I'm better now than Katie is.


End file.
